Reader FAQ: My Sister Won't Stop Preaching At Me
Tuesday January 13, 2009
KatManDeux writes in and says, "I'm a Wiccan, but not of the in-your-face variety. My sister, unfortunately, is an in-your-face fundamentalist Christian. We live in the same town, we all do family stuff together, our kids play with her kids... and she's driving me NUTS with the constant preaching and cautionary tales about how I'll burn in hell blah blah blah. I usually just ignore her, but honestly, it's exhausting. We're both adults, but I swear I want to just wrap some duct tape over her mouth so she'll leave me alone. Now she's preaching at my kids, too. What do I do?"
Oh, man. That's a toughie. Wouldn't it be nice if it was just a simple, "Hey, you want to go to chuch with me? No? Well, okay then!" and that was the end of it?
It sounds like other than the whole preaching and religion issue, you and your sister have a fairly good relationship. I suspect that her behavior is probably well-intentioned, and she just doesn't realize how offensive it is. She's worried about you, and has no clue that her well-meant Sharing of De Gospel is just plain obnoxious and rude. Worse yet, now she's starting in on your kids -- and although you don't mention how old they are, I'd call this an overstepping of boundaries.
Honestly, it's time to have a sit-down with her. Make time for just the two of you, with no kids or spouses around to get in the way, and tell her how you feel. Clearly you love each other, so it shouldn't be hard to do this in a nice way. You could start out with, "I know you're worried about my soul, and I appreciate that, I really do... but I need you to respect my right to believe differently from you, even if you disagree with it." Once you've established that, you'll need to tell her -- again, being pleasant -- that it's putting a strain on your relationship when she keeps preaching at you and at your children.
Let her know that when you spend time with her, you want to enjoy her company because you're sisters, not based upon religion. Be sure to remind her that you love her, and you appreciate having a sister who cares so much. As I said before, there's a good chance she doesn't even realize how offensive her behavior is.
There's always a possibility that talking to her won't do any good, or that her feelings might get hurt, but you won't know if you don't give it a shot... and she's definitely not going to change if you don't address this with her.
Folks, how do you deal with pressure from Christian family members about this sort of thing?
Oh, man. That's a toughie. Wouldn't it be nice if it was just a simple, "Hey, you want to go to chuch with me? No? Well, okay then!" and that was the end of it?
It sounds like other than the whole preaching and religion issue, you and your sister have a fairly good relationship. I suspect that her behavior is probably well-intentioned, and she just doesn't realize how offensive it is. She's worried about you, and has no clue that her well-meant Sharing of De Gospel is just plain obnoxious and rude. Worse yet, now she's starting in on your kids -- and although you don't mention how old they are, I'd call this an overstepping of boundaries.
Honestly, it's time to have a sit-down with her. Make time for just the two of you, with no kids or spouses around to get in the way, and tell her how you feel. Clearly you love each other, so it shouldn't be hard to do this in a nice way. You could start out with, "I know you're worried about my soul, and I appreciate that, I really do... but I need you to respect my right to believe differently from you, even if you disagree with it." Once you've established that, you'll need to tell her -- again, being pleasant -- that it's putting a strain on your relationship when she keeps preaching at you and at your children.
Let her know that when you spend time with her, you want to enjoy her company because you're sisters, not based upon religion. Be sure to remind her that you love her, and you appreciate having a sister who cares so much. As I said before, there's a good chance she doesn't even realize how offensive her behavior is.
There's always a possibility that talking to her won't do any good, or that her feelings might get hurt, but you won't know if you don't give it a shot... and she's definitely not going to change if you don't address this with her.
Folks, how do you deal with pressure from Christian family members about this sort of thing?
Comments
Fortunately, I’ve never had to worry about family and my beliefs. They don’t ask and I don’t push the issue. We talk openly about religion in general and have friendly debates about both positive and negative opinions about religion in general. My family have on occasion asked about my beliefs and faith simply out of curiosity (or lack of better conversation topic lol) It’s a rarity possibly but I think your advice was awesome. Some people just don’t realize and they feel they’re doing good things.
Wow i have been there done that and didn’t even get the t-shirt … i have dealt with everything from my family saying we are Devil worshippers to we’re gonna burn in hell but as time has passed whenever the family is all together mainly holidays we try to respect each others beliefs and not talk about religion … i have finally gotten one of my 2 sisters that were both in your face christians to not preach at me she has grown and matured over the years and we do discuss reliegion and she has ofter called me and asked for a natural remedy for an ailment and is even looking into alternative medicine places which include numerous beliefs from herbs to crystals to chakra’s and whenever i have any questions concerning the bible i call her. i have explained to her that even though i don’t believe in god the same way that she does i still believe in my own way and she has learned to accept it … so i agree sit and talk with your family and hopefully with tim ethey will understand and not preach at you anymore ….
I tend to be more blunt than most people so if I was in that situation it would likely involve me telling her to keep her beliefs to herself and just stop talking to her otherwise. But really though, you should know your sister pretty well and know how to talk to her. I don’t think my family has truly caught on to my alternative religious choice, and since my family is a bit hardcore Catholic I don’t go out of my way to announce my difference, but also don’t lie about it.
Okay, so, I was walking through WalMart one day with my husband and we passed what appeared to be two Buddhist monks in the home improvement aisle… (Ironic, I know) and it started me thinking… Why is it that when you say you’re Wiccan, people leave pamphlets on your doorstep, hold candlelight services to save your soul and preach incessantly but if you were to proclaim that you were Buddhist (for example), people would accept it? What’s the difference between Wicca and other mainstream non-Christian religions that brings all the whacko Bible thumpers out in droves? No one complains when Buddhists, Hindus or Jews gather in groups or go to services, but if you attend a pagan ritual, you’re going to hell. Now, whether they believe that Buddhists, Hindus or Jews is besides the point… You don’t see them protesting in front of their churches/temples/synagogues!
I have to admit, I haven’t really dealt with this type of thing much. My younger sister knows I’m not Christian, & my mom knows (& might have told Dad) that I’m not Christian & am pagan. She asked about my beliefs a couple of weeks ago after I commented that I don’t believe the same things she does, so I just listed some of my basic beliefs, & she hasn’t bothered me about them. I dread my older sister finding out, though, for fear of a situation like the one described above. Our relationship is occasionally strained due to our very, VERY different personalities, but we still care about each other. However, I can certainly see her preaching at me if/when she finds out I’m pagan.
I plan on using Patti’s idea about talking about how we’re sisters & still care about each other, regardless of religious differences, & that we can accept each other’s choices with maturity & respect. If she didn’t stop preaching after that, I’d explain that 1. she makes me want to do the opposite of what she says & 2. her constant preaching bothers me & if she continues to do so, I’ll have to try to avoid seeing/speaking to her, except when absolutely necessary, so as to avoid possible conflict.
And if she started preaching to my child, I’d remove my little girl from earshot, then tell my sister that what she did was incredibly disrespectful of me as a parent & that from now on, any interactions with my daughter would have to be minimal & supervised by myself or my husband to prevent future occurrences.
I ,also, do not have in your face family and my dad and stepmom are into channeling and whatnot so I can’t speak directly to that issue. BUT tampering with your kids is a huge NO-NO. You need to do something, and do it soon. Patti has some great advice and I would add maybe that you remind her of the old adage – you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! Let her know that her attitude does more to repulse you from her view – if that’s Christianity, I certainly want no part of it. And if it comes down to it, tell her she won’t be welcome in your home or life if she continues! Much easier sadi than done, I know. Hang in there
This is a hugely complicated issue…
My father is the pastor of one of the biggest churches in our town … & I am a pagan.
We have stopped discussing religon as my parents believe I am going to hell & are quite adamant about telling me so. This belief was one reason why I chose to have no children as I didn’t want them to be confused.
I have 2 sisters with children & our parents have one of them 5 days a week & she is constantly bombarded with their fundamentalist beliefs… the other sister moved to the other end of the country for this very reason … she didn’t want her children to be indoctorinated by something she doesn’t agree with.
From our parents point of veiw I know they love us all & it is devastating for them to think that all 5 of their children are going to hell… It is such a tricky one … especially when I hear my Dad telling my 94 year old grandfather that unless he is “saved” he won’t see my recently deceased grandmother in heaven!!
I think the advice about talking to your sister one on one is good … just be prepared for a meltdown
@Elisha’s comment about how Christians don’t pick on (essentially) Buddhist, but do Wiccans. As a Buddhist myself, I’ll give my perspective. Part of it, since you’re not a Buddhist (or Hindu, etc) you may not see any picking at Buddhism. Kind of like after you buy a car, you start noticing how many people have the same exact car, but before you got it, you never saw many, even though they were of course there.
That said, I would agree Buddhists aren’t picked at as much, in part because people just really have no idea what it is about, whereas with Wicca (or witchcraft as most generally think of it) they have plenty of ignorant stereotypes to go off of to dislike it. So Asian religions don’t generally get much grief simply because people don’t know enough about it to like or dislike it. And, here in the U.S., people haven’t even had time to come up with stereotypes for it except casual guesses about reincarnation, which are generally not on target. All they really seem to know about it is there’s guys in robes and karma, which the show “My Name is Earl” helped make ‘cool.’
I suppose that I may not notice it. I also suppose it could all have to do with the fact that Christians seem to believe (in my experience) that Wiccans are devil-worshippers who are out to destroy the church. I don’t know, though. I have Buddhist friends, I have Hindu friends, I have Jew friends and none of them seem to receive the same stigma as I do about their religious beliefs. My mother flat out told me that if I had chosen Buddhism (which I very nearly did), she would have been okay with it but witchcraft is just out of the question. I honestly think the whole damn thing is silly. All religions preach the same basic principles. Be nice to people. Don’t kill needlessly. Don’t hurt other people. Try to be the best human being you can. It’s silly to be arguing over something like that. To quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “So apples, oranges… in the end we [are] all fruit!”
When I read this post, I had two reactions. The first was to thank my deities once again that I was raised in a pagan family… and even though my sister converted to the Catholic faith, she doesn’t preach at me – and I don’t preach at her, either.
The second reaction was to a comment made by Elisha.
Christians object to Wicca (and other pagan paths) because most pagans practice witchcraft. They have a knee-jerk reaction because for the last three or four hundred years, they’ve been told that witchcraft is evil, devil worship, and will land you in hell… Thus the reaction.
And… I have met people of other faiths, such as Buddhism, who have complained of getting pamphlets left on their doorsteps and all the rest of the things that certain Christians do to pagans, so you’re not alone. You may just feel that way sometimes, but we’re not the only people in the world who are discriminated against because people view our faith prejudicially. America has a habit of being both racist and prejudiced… think African Americans. Think Asians during WW1, WW2. Think brown-skinned people of all kinds after 911, but especially people who are viewed as Muslims, whether they are or not. I think it’s the insular puritanical reaction to rabidly defend what you perceive as reality. I’m not sure that’s what it is, but that’s my suspicion.
Blessings…
Selqet
This is in response to #4. I happily study Buddhism and have had several people preach fundalmentalist Christian values upon discovering my study. They are typically rude and very pushy, even after I plainly state that, while I am always interested in other ideas, they will not convert me. I am, apparently, going to hell. My great respect for Jesus and his teachings simply are not enough – particulary annoying to me since I greatly respect Jesus as a teacher. I don’t believe he was divine and his wisdom is more than sufficient to impress and inspire me. I love to share ideas with people and learn, but with the fundamentalists it seems all I get is preaching, disdain and closed minds. I suppose they have the right to their religious freedom, but I don’t. When they tell me they’ll pray for me, I generally say, “Thank you,” and move on, assuming the mean well. I’ve been told I “have the books of the enemy” in my house. The books they speak of were the Dalai Lama’s and a variety of religious texts from multiple faiths
Including Christian texts, but I don’t think they meant those. ;~) Such a shame, really.
Dealing with differences in religious views and beliefs is always hard, especially among family members. If I may offer some suggestions:
Do meet in a neutral place, not in her home or in yours, this can make the other person feel on guard automatically.
Talk about the good times you enjoyed prior to your differences for a while, bring back that feeling of family, and let them know that this is where you are coming from. You are family, your views might be different, and you appreciate and respect her views and her concerns.
Remind her that you are an adult, and the path you have chosen is not one you take lightly or did without a lot of thought. Remind her that you are not a Satanist, that you still believe in God, maybe not as she sees him, but you still believe in love, virtue, truth and loving your fellow man.
Talk calmly no matter how intense she may get, and reassure her. Never allow yourself to get confrontational and speak with reason and clarity. I think you will find that once she sees that you’re still the same sister you always were, and you’re not eating children or skinning cats for sacrifice she might come around. However don’t be disappointed if she maintains the “you will burn in hell attitude”, is she does explain to her that you are who you are, you are raising your children your way and that is she insists on putting you and your beliefs down she will not be welcome.
Either way I hope it works out for you, hopefully for the better.
GR
ok, Try getting preached at from your kids! My 11 year old tells me I will burn in hell,and when she had gootten “saved,” i said ” from what?” I was raised loosely christian,my dad was a fromer minister-turned-athiest.I am former momrmon.My hubby is also former mormon,who’s mom was a Wiccan/witch.
He and I believe in Wiccan,but he also is a christian,whom i turn to when I have a question about spirits/Tarot,Runes,ect. Religion is not discussed in out home,with the kids.My youngest(6) believes in her god,and isn’t even curious about my religion.People know when they come to my house: do NOT preach to the mother! Maybe it is the small pentagram on the front door that may tell them to shut up? Ya think?
“My mother flat out told me that if I had chosen Buddhism (which I very nearly did), she would have been okay with it but witchcraft is just out of the question. I honestly think the whole damn thing is silly.”
It IS silly, but the problem is Wiccans/Witches are fighting years of ingrained semantic negativity. In other words, we’re fighting a word, a word that has been loaded down for centuries with bad associations. Buddhists don’t get it as much because the entire continent of Europe and parts of America didn’t spend nearly 300 years hunting down Buddhists and burning/hanging/drowning them. You’ve never heard of a “Buddhist-hunt” but everybody knows what a Witch-hunt is. It’s much the same problem gays have with wanting “marriage.” Nearly 80% of the US population favors “Civil unions” for gays with all the rights and protections, but nearly 65% is against gays getting “married,” even though the practical benefits are nearly identical. It’s the word “marriage” that mashes all their emotional buttons at once, just as the word “Witch” does.
Boy, can I ever relate. I am a Pagan and practicing Witch. My mother is a staunch Southern Baptist. I recently had my first book (a workbook geared towards families raising Pagan children) released by a major publisher. Her fire-and-brimstone speeches got much hotter and she continuously belittled me for “teaching kids that stuff!” She even took the ad copy from my website to her church and asked them to “pray for my soul”. (Which is fine…whatever they want to do, although I’d prefer it if they asked me if I’d like them to pray for me first.) I made continuous attempts to explain that I simply have a different belief system than she and so do many other people. Many Pagans have children who would love to have books to teach of their beliefs, just as children of other religions have enjoyed for generations. I tried to reason with her and asked her if she thought it was fair that Pagan children were excluded from having books of their own. She answered “I hate to know that book will be in mainstream bookstores where everyone can see it!” (Yep, she went there.) So, you see where my attempts to reason with her went. Nowhere. All this was really too much for me. I attempted civil discussion; I tried telling her I don’t want our relationship to suffer over my choices, but she simply must try and be accepting of her grown daughter’s religious beliefs. When I finally saw that I can’t change this woman, I simply realized that I had to do what I have to do to keep my sanity and keep myself from getting physically sick from the intense constant stress and negativity she was putting me through. On her last letter, I simply wrote “Return to Sender, Addressee has refused” in big red letters. It was a difficult thing for me to do, but, as I said, I have to keep myself healthy and stress-free as possible. Maybe one day she will understand that she should really relax and accept things she cannot change. Maybe one day she’ll pick up my children’s workbook and see that the religion is not at all what she thought! (Yeah, Raine, good luck on that.)This was difficult for me to write, but I want others to know you’re certainly not alone. I thought I had become fairly good at handling negative situations, but sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t change some people’s way of thinking — but you *must* protect yourself and your children.
All in all, I do encourage you to try and speak civilly with your sister; but if all else fails, do protect yourself and your children. (I can guarantee it is affecting them, too.) I hope everything works out in your favor. Blessings.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. All I can suggest is try to have a nice calm chat with her. I understand how hard it is not to have family acceptance for your beliefs especially when you’ve never tried to push your views on them in anyway. My aunt and I haven’t spoken to one another for a few years because of her intolerance. I tried to ignore her snide comments and insults at first and then I tried to sit her down for a chat (we went to a restaurant she used to take me to as a child) all to no avail. I had a hard time keeping calm, she was so loud people were starting to stare. I finally was blunt enough to tell her this is who I am accept all of me or none of me. The rest of my family tried half heartedly to make me have contact with her but I made a pretty good argument against it. She used to call me once in a while but as soon as she’d start on my beliefs I told her to have a nice day but it was time for me to get off of the phone now. Now I don’t call her and she doesn’t call me. I hope that it doesn’t come to that with you. Maybe I just held everything until it boiled and frothed over I don’t know. I just hope that she’ll love you enough to listen to what you’ve got to say. I have a son now that my aunt has never even seen because of how everything turned out. Stay strong and I wish you the best of luck.
Because of bigotry I have lost a connection to my older brother and his family. After repeated invitations for my husband and I to join them at church I finally broke down and told him I was Wiccan. Holy Crap, the flames are still roaring from that letter! He will not speak to me and doesn’t want my name mentioned to him. I was totally stunned by his whole reaction to say the least. Luckily one sister is comp;etely fine with it and I can at least talk to one family memeber about it. I had to cut off the rest of them, mother included. My Father is gone but would have been cool about it and asked to discuss it with him so he could be informed. Other than cutting these fundamentalist folks off I don’t know how to deal with them. They don’t see me as their sister anymore but as someone who is evil. It’s all to sad but I won’t change my beliefs to suit them anymore than they would change to suit me but they don’t even understand that concept. I can only “pray” for them and leave them to their own beliefs. Christine.