Reader FAQ: Pagans and "Purity"
Monday January 12, 2009
A reader writes in and says, "Many of my Christian friends have taken abstinence pledges and wear purity rings. I'm just beginning my study of Paganism, and I'm wondering if there's any sort of purity or abstinence pledge in Pagan or Wiccan religion."
Let's break this down and approach it on a couple of different points. First of all, unless you belong to a Wiccan or Pagan tradition that stresses celibacy and abstinence (and I've never heard of any), I can't think of any religious requirement for people to refrain from sexual activity. That having been said, if you think abstinence is right for you, for whatever reasons, then that's your personal choice to make. Likewise, if you're thinking about having sex, then as long as you do so responsibly, then that's your decision as well. No one else can -- or should -- make it for you.
Another issue I've got to bring up is the whole idea of "purity rings." My personal opinion is that the whole movement is misguided, because it equates sexuality with "impurity." It means if you have sex -- and heaven forbid if you LIKE it -- then you're dirty or tainted somehow. In most Pagan spiritual paths, you'll find that people are pretty open about our sexuality. We have gay Pagans, straight Pagans, poly Pagans... you name it, we're not afraid to talk about it. To treat sexuality as something icky that needs to be tucked away in a dark room seems to do everyone a disservice, because humans by nature are sexual beings.
Finally, there's an interesting report about the fact that people who make abstinence pledges being less likely to use birth control or protection when they DO finally decide to have sex. It may have something to do with how much accurate sex education they've gotten.
Now, back to your original question. If your friends are making abstinence pledges and you want to do so also, to fit in with the crowd, no one is going to stop you. You can even choose a goddess of virginity, if you like, and make the pledge in her name (Vesta comes immediately to mind). However, if you make such a pledge, make it because you WANT to, not because you think you HAVE to.
Let's break this down and approach it on a couple of different points. First of all, unless you belong to a Wiccan or Pagan tradition that stresses celibacy and abstinence (and I've never heard of any), I can't think of any religious requirement for people to refrain from sexual activity. That having been said, if you think abstinence is right for you, for whatever reasons, then that's your personal choice to make. Likewise, if you're thinking about having sex, then as long as you do so responsibly, then that's your decision as well. No one else can -- or should -- make it for you.
Another issue I've got to bring up is the whole idea of "purity rings." My personal opinion is that the whole movement is misguided, because it equates sexuality with "impurity." It means if you have sex -- and heaven forbid if you LIKE it -- then you're dirty or tainted somehow. In most Pagan spiritual paths, you'll find that people are pretty open about our sexuality. We have gay Pagans, straight Pagans, poly Pagans... you name it, we're not afraid to talk about it. To treat sexuality as something icky that needs to be tucked away in a dark room seems to do everyone a disservice, because humans by nature are sexual beings.
Finally, there's an interesting report about the fact that people who make abstinence pledges being less likely to use birth control or protection when they DO finally decide to have sex. It may have something to do with how much accurate sex education they've gotten.
Now, back to your original question. If your friends are making abstinence pledges and you want to do so also, to fit in with the crowd, no one is going to stop you. You can even choose a goddess of virginity, if you like, and make the pledge in her name (Vesta comes immediately to mind). However, if you make such a pledge, make it because you WANT to, not because you think you HAVE to.
Comments
I’m a Pagan who does happen to hold purity in high regard as a virtue. Like anything else of value, the less damaged something is, the greater its value, which is why a new car is worth more than one that has a lot of miles on it; or an uncirculated coin in mint condition is worth more than the same coin which has been passed through innumerable hands; so too for many of us, a virgin is a rare treasure to be cherished, if one can be obtained at all.
As I was starting to read this I wondered if you would site the recent study showing the futility of these purity pledges. They generally seem to be a way of making their parents happy more than anything.
The only thing these young people really need to pledge is to become properly educated so they can make an informed decision for them self. I think people should wait until they truly feel ready and are not being pressured into it by friends or boy/girlfriends.
Also, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with simply waiting. It’s nothing that needs to be rushed into and won’t make you “cooler” or more “adult-like.”
There are plenty of traditions that prize celibacy – namely the worship of Artemis, Diana, or the Vestal Virgins. I’m sure there are more in the other pantheons as well.
My suggestion to someone who would like to practice celibacy as a religious vow is to find a goddess/god who required their practioners to take a chastity vow and research the meaning behind that. There are many reasons to remain celibate, particularly the belief that a person needs to channel their hormones into something worthwhile and meaningful. Another is to enjoy the maiden/youth phase of your life as long as possible before stepping into adulthood.
I’ll agree that there are deities that are representative of celibacy, but I’d be curious about whether entire traditions hold virginity as highly prized. And certainly, if someone wishes to remain abstinent — and some good reasons for doing so have been pointed out — then I see no reason not to. Like any other decision, it should be made in an educated way. I just see it as more of a matter of personal choice, rather than a question of religious doctrine.
My big complaint about the conservative “purity pledge” movement is that people who decide to have sex are always portrayed as soiled or irresponsible. Obviously, your mileage my vary
patti
Knowing the age and life experience of a person asking such a question would help in forming an answer but I think the assumption would be young – late teens or early 20s, and likely from a middle class or higher background. From my experience most poorer people don’t have the luxury of worrying about such things. I have known way too many people for whom dating=sex, who have all dated for only a few weeks to months, move on to hook up with a friend or relative of the ex, break up, go back to an ex, and so on. This never allows healing and makes for untrustworthy partners. That being said, what I told my own boys was that yes sex is great and there is nothing like it. BUT you can only enjoy it to its fullest when you can totally give yourself over to the act and the partner. Therefor trust is paramount! A wonderful reason to wait until you are sure as you can be that you are ready and the other person is honorable. The same goes for poly, bi, homo, hetero, or whatever. This is what I have found true for me, anyway. Sex and intimacy make one quite vulnerable yet it is in this vulnerability that we truly share with each other. It’s a circle.
I find Stiofan’s comment apalling. First, it reflects a world view in which sexuality is “dirty”, as Patti has already commented on. But worse than that, it objectifies human beings — I cannot help suspecting that Stiofan is male, and that the virgins he thinks of “obtaining” (a word applicable to objects, not people!) are women. While any movement is going to contain fringe groups and nasty people, I think most Wiccans would agree that Wicca is about ending the objectification of women, not perpetuating it.
But back to your question. Sex is a feminine energy, which is why those religions that fear and deny the Goddess want to control their followers’ sex lives. Sex can also be a source of direct spiritual experience, which these religions prefer their followers not to have. Wicca is very much about embracing the Goddess, in Her many aspects, and also very much about direct spiritual experience. So it has no interest in controlling your sex life.
Wicca is also, however, about personal choice and personal responsibility. As others have said, you need to decide for yourself when and under what circumstances it will be right for YOU to enter a sexual relationship with someone.
Another reason I personally oppose chastity pledges is that I think they put tremendous pressure on people to marry too young. Gotta get those youngsters married and pumping out babies, to give us more church members! — A cynical view? Perhaps. But in my experience, marriages entered into in the early 20s are much more likely to go bad than those started a few years later. I would much rather see those young people who want to be sexually active doing so, in a responsible way, without feeling pressured to get married.
I agree that it’s troubling to link “purity” with “virginity.” To me, purity implies is something far deeper and more complicated than not having sex – it has to do with the way you think, the way you conduct yourself, the things you put into your body … your entire world view and your impact on the world.
When we use the word “pure” in other senses, it means free from contamination. I don’t see natural physical acts as contaminating.
I think there’s been a big confusion between purity and focus. In my opinion, not having a sexual relation doesn’t make you any less pure. It can give you more focus, espcially spiritually because you’re not focused on a partner, or family. It’s just YOU and you can devote yourself more fully to deity or anything else in life for that matter. In Medieval life (which is a lot where out christian notions of purity and abstinance come from) The nuns, priests and monks were the career people of their day. You could compare them to the unmarried career person on wall street today. Abstinance gave them focus. It also came out of St. Augustine’s extremely repentant writings, but I think focus is a side benefit.
I agree with Patty you need to do what right for you. Be sure your ready to face all the consequences of your descion.
I know very sexual, sensual Pagans who are also very pure inside. The concept of virginity is very seperate from the concept of purity! You can be sexually active and be a pure person, likewise you can be a virgin or abstinent and be an impure person. Your sexual nature has no bearing on how pure your soul is.
The sexual act was given to us to share with love and without shame. The Gods gave us sex and they also gave us the right to choose to participate and the right to decline for whatever reason, be it waiting for the right person, dedicating yourself to a God that favours celibacy or any other reason you could name.
As long as sex is performed between two (or more) consenting adults and the reasons for having sex are pure and loving, I see no problem with it. I also see no problem in a knowledgeable person choosing to remain a virgin or choosing a life of celibacy if they have already experienced sex. I am worried about the prevalence of promise rings and chastity vows amongst teens; these big public statements are unnecessary for a true dedication to celibacy. If you are choosing celibacy for yourself, a simple promise will be enough. You don’t need a ring to keep a vow to yourself. Also, if you are dedicating yourself to Artemis, you are making a private vow to a Goddess. You never need to make such vows public because they are a covenant between you and Her. Perhaps a silver ring as a talisman or a remembrance of this covenant would be appropriate, but it certainly isn’t mandatory.
Woah, hold the phone. I’m no Christian, but I know for sure, that purity rings aren’t saying that sex is “icky”. They simply stand firm in their belief that sex should be between two married people and that is it. They don’t think it’s gross or impure to have sex. They believe it’s wrong to have it outside of marriage. They are linking purity with not having sex outside marriage. Which I think is something to be encouraged because really, what teenager do you know that has safe sex outside of marriage? Sure, with adults it’s fine, but more and more children are having sex at an earlier age, and not understanding what they are doing.
So really, I see no problem here.
I, personally, also see purity rings as misguided, not just because it makes sense look like an impure act but also because it makes the assumption that if you have sex before marriage, you will not be with the same person after it. It is possible to never marry and still be with (and, yes, have sex with) just one person. Some people don’t get married for a long time or ever and so why should they be denied a totally natural act? I’m not saying I think people should have all the sex they want with anyone, but if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re mature enough to handle sex, it shouldn’t be so frowned upon.
***sighs*** I have been in your shoes! I attended a missionary church during my early teen years, where they stressed abstinence greatly. I was given a purity ring by one of the youth leaders to “help me through high school”. Even as a Wiccan, I was hiding in the broom closet, I accepted the Purity Ring because it was a PROMISE TO MYSELF. I made an agreement to myself and Spirit that I would wait until the time was right FOR ME. When I did lose my virginity at age 16, it was to a guy I truly loved. That ring was a constant reminder of keeping a level head. After we consumated our relationship, I gave him the ring. He still wears it around his neck on a chain today. And yes, we are still in love with eachother. We plan on marrying after college. You can find the one you love when you are young, and a purity ring can help remind you of making a positive choice. ~Blessed Be~