Reader Question: Pressure from Non-Pagan Relatives
Tuesday May 20, 2008
Blog reader Ross needs your advice, folks. He says, "I'm currently living at home with my grandmother and younger sister, who are both Christians. Lately they've been putting a lot of pressure on me to help them lead a service at their church and to join them in their daily devotions. Outside of coming out of the broom closet (which would have disastrous consequences) or going ahead and joining them (which would cause me to not be true to myself), I'm not sure what to do. It's starting to drive me nuts!"
I can see how that would become a bit irritating after a while. You don't say how old you are, but clearly if you're living in a house with people who have beliefs opposed to your own, come considerations have to be made. I think it's important to find a way to be honest without causing dissent in the family. Years ago I had a friend -- a very good friend -- who constantly asked me to attend Bible study with her. This was before I was "out", because I was just discovering Paganism and testing the waters a bit. I made all kinds of excuses, but she persevered, because she genuinely enjoyed my company and thought that doing Bible fellowshippy-stuff together would be a great way for us to spend time together. I got tired of being less than honest with her, so I told her, "You know, I appreciate that you want to share this with me, because I really do value our friendship... but because this isn't where my spirituality lies, I'd feel like a hypocrite if I participated with you."
It was an honest answer, although not an entirely complete one. It made her understand that just because I didn't go to Bible study with her didn't mean I didn't love her, and it got me off the hook from having to make up reasons not to go each week. Nearly twenty years later, we are still good friends -- and she's a Southern Baptist and I'm a Pagan. I was fortunate in that our friendship trumped any oppositional dogma. However, I understand that this isn't an option for everyone -- and you don't get to pick your relatives. Readers, what suggestions or personal experiences can you share with Ross?
I can see how that would become a bit irritating after a while. You don't say how old you are, but clearly if you're living in a house with people who have beliefs opposed to your own, come considerations have to be made. I think it's important to find a way to be honest without causing dissent in the family. Years ago I had a friend -- a very good friend -- who constantly asked me to attend Bible study with her. This was before I was "out", because I was just discovering Paganism and testing the waters a bit. I made all kinds of excuses, but she persevered, because she genuinely enjoyed my company and thought that doing Bible fellowshippy-stuff together would be a great way for us to spend time together. I got tired of being less than honest with her, so I told her, "You know, I appreciate that you want to share this with me, because I really do value our friendship... but because this isn't where my spirituality lies, I'd feel like a hypocrite if I participated with you."
It was an honest answer, although not an entirely complete one. It made her understand that just because I didn't go to Bible study with her didn't mean I didn't love her, and it got me off the hook from having to make up reasons not to go each week. Nearly twenty years later, we are still good friends -- and she's a Southern Baptist and I'm a Pagan. I was fortunate in that our friendship trumped any oppositional dogma. However, I understand that this isn't an option for everyone -- and you don't get to pick your relatives. Readers, what suggestions or personal experiences can you share with Ross?
Comments
I’m in a similar situation where my family doesn’t know I’m not Christian (not Pagan either, but like this blog), and I’m not overly enthusiastic about bringing it up, though have tried to leave hints here and there (like my web site), but they don’t seem to pickup on it. I’m sure they’d be fine with it after some time, but I have a huge family and having everyone bug me about it and possibly try to “fix” me would be very tiresome and make family visits less appealing. I’m luckier than the mentioned person in the article in that I don’t live near my family so I at least get to go home if any awkwardness arises. But “coming out” can be a refreshing experience and bring you closer with those people and lessen your stress at avoiding being exposed. You can try to be creative too with telling people about your religious choice, like in a holiday card. Maybe send them a holiday card that your religion celebrates to get a conversation started.
I’m still in the broom closet myself; the phrase I use with my mom is “non-traditional non-denominational faith.” (Traditional being Catholic for my family.) I’ve left subtle hints, like Yule cards rather than Christmas ones, to help represent my different beliefs & remain true to myself without upsetting my parents. I also participate in family traditions, even the ones with Christian religious overtones; focusing on the family aspects makes me more comfortable with them while my participation reassures my family of my love.
Perhaps something along the lines of “I don’t feel comfortable leading a service” or “at this point, I’m more comfortable with my faith being private” would help your grandmother & sister realize that you’re feeling pressured.
Tell the truth by all means. I am a Christian and I’d appreciate an honest pagan. Don’t hide from confrontation for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.
As a Christian I have a ulterior motive for saying this. See if you can figure it out.
Friend, she might not be in a position where she can be completely honest. If telling her family that she’s Pagan would make her home life more difficult, then she should try a more subtle approach. I’m not saying she should be dishonest, but she could tell her family something like, “I’m still figuring my spiritual views out, and I’m not comfortable taking an active role in the church.”
It’s honest and tactful, and hopefully wouldn’t cause any huge familial rifts. You may appreciate an honest Pagan, but you don’t know that this teen’s family would.
Yeah, I don’t think anyone has advocated lying or dishonesty. However, there can be ways of telling the truth without providing more information than the other person is willing to listen to. I think that was the point, is that Ross wants to be honest and keep his integrity, but he also doesn’t want to upset or frighten his family members. There’s a way to find a balance between the two.
patti
I have the same problem with my Dad.
He is a Deacon in a Southern Baptist Church in TX. He pushed me to get Baptized back in 2000 so much, I finally just gave in and had it done.I was raised Baptist so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable about it. (But I honestly did it just to get him off my back about it.)
I have been practicing Wicca for nearly 20 years.(since 1987)He still doesn’t know about my spiritual path.
I could never tell him because he just wouldn’t understand it.
I felt torn between both faiths. but I have taken a new approach and some would say this can’t be done.
but it can.
I serve and honer the gods where ever and when ever it is needed. if that means attending church with family one day a week,
or a month.than so be it.To make them happy,depends on where you stand. if you think it is worth putting your feelings aside for theirs or not.
I made the choice to do that for my Dad so he wouldn’t worry about me. HE was so scared I would go to Hell if I didn’t have the Baptism
done.
I did it for him ,not for me.
My relationship with the God,and Goddess is a personal one. It all ways has been.I have come to terms with this,and have learned that not all spiritual paths are absolute.
Mine has many paths but they all lead to the same place in the long run.Total,Spiritual Enlightenment.Be at peace with your family.
If you are not comfortable telling them yet of your path,then don’t tell them.
Just go with it for now until you can be on your own and not feel obligated because of your current living situation.
I was in the closet for years until about 3 years ago since then I have told most my family,and even though they are all christian,they have kept open minds and have had many questions about it.they have not been negative or judgmental,(THANK GODDESS)
but telling my Dad right now ,I’m just not ready. If it makes you uncomfortable to go to church with your family, you must decide at that point if you are ready to tell them of your spiritual faith. you must also prepare yourself for the possible outcome of doing so.
It may be positive, it may be negative.
but you have to decide weather or not YOU ARE READY TO FACE THAT.
I made a bold choice to tell my Mother ,Sister,Auntie,and Cousin. and they all have been very kind and open minded about it.
my Dad on the other hand is just too straight edged if you get my meaning. He wouldn’t react
in a positive way ,I’m afraid and so I choose not to let him know. When I lived with him, I kept it all to myself(in the closet)but when I moved away to my own place, I started coming out with only certain members of my Family that I felt would be ok with it, and I could trust not to go blab it to my Father.
I didn’t want to go boasting about my path to everyone, so it was handled like just in casual conversation. and I didn’t tell them all at once.I would advise against coming out with them until you are ready to handle the outcome. If you think their reaction will be negative,just keep things on ice for a while longer. Maybe you could talk to them one at a time.Kinda break it to them gently.
Some people react differently then others.
Some are open and happy go lucky.
And others are not. believe you me, some of them can react that seriously about it.
or worse they would say they disown you.
(THAT IS MY FEAR WITH MY FATHER)That is why I haven’t told him yet.I guess it has to depend on where you stand and how comfortable you are with it, and does their opinion matter or not.
I hope this helps. Goddess Bless
Shelley.
Thank you all for your kind words of advice. Unfortunately, “outing” myself can’t happen until I move out. I’m 22 and it’s definitely time for me to move out.
Sometimes it can be overbearing having family members that constantly remind me that (in their own minds) Christianity is the one true path and that everyone else is destined for the fires of hell.
For now, I think I’ll do what the Celts had to do (I’m a follower of the Celtic/Druidic path): blend in, but honor the gods and godesses in my heart, even if I can’t perform any type of ritual for the time being.
Things will be better when I’m finally out of the house.
Thanks again to everyone! It’s nice to talk to others who are going through the same thing.
May God and Goddess bless you all.
I think that is a good Idea Ross, but maybe you can do a ritual or even a circle ya know go on a nature hike or a walk in the woods find a nice spot and do a ritual or just do what i did in the beginning of my journey, i would go and take a bunch of candles and some incense and take a relaxing bath and say a blessing or something like that.
and kendall what website i would like to see it.
Ross, I am both Christian and Wiccan I have found that I can honor the Lord of any name durring the quiet moments of a church service and then when I am at home do what I can to honor the Lady. I spent lots of time working on this practice, I was raised Roman Catholic and Congregationalist Protestant. Needless to say I had loads of spiritual baggage to work through when I found that niether really satisfied me spiritually. At first I would just do little things like talk to the trees on walks and when my walk was finished pour an offering of my water on the last tree I passed. This was as much as I could do at the time but think Spirit understood. Hope this helps.
I agree with all of the above, if that’s possible — one adapts to the existing situation. My youngest daughter and I are bound for hell, and her father was there before he was buried, as we found out the night before his funeral. So much for family — just ask my eldest (was Church of Christ, now Baptist) daughter.
I was grown and had the problem of letting my husband know where our daughter and I stood, as he considered himself a Christian. (In retrospect, he was far closer to Paganism than he thought.) So this is a 2-way street: you don’t have to be the son or daughter with parent problems.
One of the first things I did was take the kids (not the elder one) to a May Day event, and then our conversation about the fun we had and it’s ancientness was conveniently overheard. I also started reading, and leaving about the house, books pertaining to the writing and history of the Bible, the church history over time, etc. These weren’t tracts, but more like textbooks from the library, and helped explain why the Christian church is one way or another. This got the discussion going — and it’s true that the book about the book is better than the book.
After that, whenever a subject would come up in conversation, or a program on TV, or whatever was going on (like the funeral of an elderly relative) we made sure we commented to the effect that “that’s why I/we believe that…..”
This process might take a couple of years, though, and you will probably be on your way by then. You can go to church with them and still not actively participate — you are there just to be with them. You can do all the personal, silent stuff while alone or outside. Altars and formal rituals can come later. All the g-ds and g-desses understand, believe me.
Peace and many blessings to you.
Thanks again to everyone!
I’ve been reading all these and I know how you guys feel. My parents are Christian, well, they claim to be. We only go to church when there’s a relative in town to impress, [I don’t mind going to church. I go to all sorts of religious gatherings, I feel it expands my knowledge on the subject. I enjoy hearing about other people’s value and beliefs and how best to do that than be in their place of worship? it really bugs me when my wiccan friends say I’m “cheating on my religion” by doing that=_=; anyways,] or our neighbor invites us to a big church function that involves my parents getting something out of it. So, it’s pretty safe to say they aren’t really there for the faith. SO, I figured, with my parents not seeming to care on way or the other I could tell them what i was and they’d support me.
hah.
Suddenly they were all about Christianity. For 15 years I’d gone to church with my parents MAYBE 10 times. maybe. Now? I’m forced to go at least twice a month. It’s no longer a fun learning experience. They told everyone they know that’s Christian, along with all my relatives and my poor grandmother who, no matter what, would never understand, so I’m prettymuch ostracized from everything unless they’re quoting the bible at me. “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” is their current favorite.
All I’m saying is be careful. Make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into when you share something so personal about yourself. I don’t believe it’s something to be hidden, and I would do it all the same ways again because I’m willing to fight for what I believe in. But it’s hard, really hard, sometimes.
anyways, just thought I’d put that out there.
best of luck
I can relate to the situation. My husband and I are Pagan and my Mom is a staunch Southern Baptist. Since she lives in SC and I live in FL it usually isn’t a problem. Recently, however, I was offered a publishing contract for a Pagan-oriented book that I wrote. Of course I was excited, so I mentioned it to my Mom when she called. Her reaction? Pretty much as I had anticipated: “I wouldn’t print that stuff. I’d throw that junk in the garbage.” Okay, fine and well. She can’t share in my joy; she spoke her mind and we’ll let it go at that, right? Wrong. I received a letter a few days later telling me that “when I mentioned it at church, this man just slowly shook his head and said “Bad. Oh, that’s bad.” (About us being Pagan). She has informed me that “everyone is praying for you.” What the kicker is, is that she went on and on about how I shouldn’t publish a Pagan book — then not two minutes later in the conversation she informed me that I should make sure she gets one “just to keep”. (I know! Hilarious, right?) Good luck with your situation. Bright Blessings!
Raine
I actually had this problem when I moved in with a friend. She had known for years beforehand that I was a pagan, but after a while “forgot” and tried to convert me ( especially her mother) to christianity.
I tried being nice about it and even offered to go to church, but in the end that’s all they would talk about. In contrast, my family is very accepting despite the fact that they too are Christian.
Quoted: “I tried being nice about it and even offered to go to church…”
Why??? It’s your life, but I’d never have done that in a million lifetimes. You can believe they would never go to a sabbat circle with you.