Forgiveness: What Do We Get Out of It?
Sunday November 18, 2007
A fascinating blog entry from Starhawk's On Faith column has gotten me thinking. She discusses the idea of forgiveness, and how, exactly, it is of benefit to us. Not to those forgiven, but to the forgiver. While many people dismiss forgiveness as a Christian concept, with deity forgiving the masses for all their sins, etc., it does seem to be a principle found across religious boundaries.
On the one hand, forgiving someone who has wronged you can be a way of letting go of things that were hurtful, and moving on into the furture. On the other hand, nursing a healthy dose of anger can give one a source for empowerment, as long as we don't let it consume us. We don't have a Goddess hovering over us saying to turn the other cheek, or a book that says if we don't follow Rule X then we will end up in Place Y for all eternity. So as a Pagan or Wiccan, how do we find the balance? How do we know when it's time to forgive someone who has caused us pain? More importantly, WHY should we do it?
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the recipient. I've frequently watched newscasts of how victims forgive their abusers, and wondered why on earth they would bother. Well, it's because forgiveness benefits those who have been hurt far more than it does those who did the hurting. It is, ultimately, one of the greatest moves of self-empowerment, because it says, "I am no longer a victim of someone else's actions, I am now a person who has made a choice for myself." It is a way of saying that you've learned or changed from what has happened to you, and now you're ready to move forward.
Are there things that could never be forgiven? In my opinion, yes, certainly -- I see people on the news each day who may well be unworthy of forgiveness. And from that perspective, a healthy dose of rage (note that I said healthy) can be useful, as many of us know. The problem arises when that rage becomes an obsession, and rather than helping us begins to devour us from within.
It also occurred to me, as I read Starhawk's article, that it's been a very long time since I was around anyone who wronged me enough that they needed forgiving. That, I think, is a good thing -- it's an indicator that I've surrounded myself with the right people. They are the people who love me and care about me, and who enjoy that I love and care for them in return.
So tell us, do you agree with Starhawk's thoughts on forgiveness? Is the ability and need to forgive ultimately a step towards learning and growth or is it all just feel-good wishy-washy stuff that only fluffy bunnies bother with? What does forgiveness mean to you and is it, in the long run, worth the effort?
On the one hand, forgiving someone who has wronged you can be a way of letting go of things that were hurtful, and moving on into the furture. On the other hand, nursing a healthy dose of anger can give one a source for empowerment, as long as we don't let it consume us. We don't have a Goddess hovering over us saying to turn the other cheek, or a book that says if we don't follow Rule X then we will end up in Place Y for all eternity. So as a Pagan or Wiccan, how do we find the balance? How do we know when it's time to forgive someone who has caused us pain? More importantly, WHY should we do it?
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the recipient. I've frequently watched newscasts of how victims forgive their abusers, and wondered why on earth they would bother. Well, it's because forgiveness benefits those who have been hurt far more than it does those who did the hurting. It is, ultimately, one of the greatest moves of self-empowerment, because it says, "I am no longer a victim of someone else's actions, I am now a person who has made a choice for myself." It is a way of saying that you've learned or changed from what has happened to you, and now you're ready to move forward.
Are there things that could never be forgiven? In my opinion, yes, certainly -- I see people on the news each day who may well be unworthy of forgiveness. And from that perspective, a healthy dose of rage (note that I said healthy) can be useful, as many of us know. The problem arises when that rage becomes an obsession, and rather than helping us begins to devour us from within.
It also occurred to me, as I read Starhawk's article, that it's been a very long time since I was around anyone who wronged me enough that they needed forgiving. That, I think, is a good thing -- it's an indicator that I've surrounded myself with the right people. They are the people who love me and care about me, and who enjoy that I love and care for them in return.
So tell us, do you agree with Starhawk's thoughts on forgiveness? Is the ability and need to forgive ultimately a step towards learning and growth or is it all just feel-good wishy-washy stuff that only fluffy bunnies bother with? What does forgiveness mean to you and is it, in the long run, worth the effort?
Well, for me – I think that forgiving helps us out. If I was to NEVER forgive my abuser- then he would still have “power” over me. It is hard though. Even I find it hard to forgive those that have hurt me.
But we, as individuals have the power to make that choice. To forgive – or not.
I’ve found that not forgiving can be more suffocating than not. I found that if I wanted to be able breathe, literally and figuratively, I had to let go.
As you said temperance, not forgiving is leaving power in the hands of the one who hurt you.
Prior comments have hit the nail on the head. Forgiving the individual(s) who caused the discomfort or pain relieves them of any further power over me whatsoever. Forgiving someone also eridicates from my mind any punishment or correction they may need in order to see what they were/are doing to other humans; that’s up to the deities who handle it so much better than I, and who apply it with perfection.
I feel that when I forgive those who have harm, I fine more peace in my life and more full filling. And I want peace in my life today, And the power has come back to me and that they can’t hurt me no more.
Summer
Forgiveness is one of the great spiritual principles for me. Anger and feeling wronged only takes my power away. Revenge further weakens spirtual energy.
The idea of ‘doing no harm’ would include not harming myself. Holding on to emotional pain can only serve to harm me.
It is worth reading Starhawk’s original article. It is very thoughtful. I am proud that paganism is evolving and being taken more seriously.
I think that there is a time and a place for forgiveness. Even Starhawk said after the abuse stops after the abuser has made amends. In other words after they have acknowledged THEIR part in the situation. Until then, no forgiveness.
Forgiveness is necessary if we are to find peace within ourselves. Holding on to hurt and anger does no one any good. Through forgiveness, we become the stronger, healthier person.
I certainly believe in forgivness. I was raped by my grandfather when I was 12 and after he had done about 15 years in prison he gave me the apology I needed to forgive him. He had finally taken full responsibility for his actions instead of putting either all or some of the blame on me. And when he said he was sorry for hurting me, I knew then that he meant it. He paid for his crime and has now been released.
Ithink that forgiveness is a fine thing as long as it is real. The problem with many peoples concept of forgivness is that many people force the attitude of forgivness because they think they “should”. True forgiveness is most often spontaneous and olny springs after a certain level of healing.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the wrongs. It is, however, an affirmative step to empowerment ~ taking back control over one’s own life by relinquishing the hold of another over one’s actions and thoughs; negating the power and control of the other in favor of freedom to live.
I believe there are two issues that need to be understood. The first, forgiveness is as has been overwhelmingly understood, a vast benefit for your own self, freeing you from the ties that bind you to your abuser. The second concerns justice, after you have forgiven your abuser it allows you to see, and sometimes participate in true justice, so that the punishment (whether it be jail or the cessation of a friendship) does fit the crime. If you are still desirious of retribution, you have not fully forgiven. When you have forgiven your abuser, you are free, when true justice has been applied then both of you are free.
I have found that forgiveness lies within me. I had to forgive or else be eaten alive. He never even knew I had forgiven him. It really had nothing to do with him, only me. I think we are here to learn certain lessons. Forgiveness was my lesson, not his. I am grateful for this lesson.
Interesting article.
“To err is human, to forgive divine”, I believe the saying goes.
While I am in favor of forgiving those who have wronged me, I still believe that “vengeance is mine sayeth the lord”.
It is so much more satisfactory and fun to watch karma in action.
That is of course, only my opinion.
Peace!
I look at it this way… those most deserving of an action that would bring about the fullness of the threefold law upon us, are least worth the trouble. Besides, there is enough negative energy in the universe already… we are practically mandated to forgive, elsewise we would merely add to the darkness that is already here.
Forgiveness is self-empowering; it takes back any control or power that the person who hurt you had. The greatest revenge is being able to look at someone who at one time had the power to hurt you and think, “you aren’t important enough to care what you do or say anymore.” It’s about taking back your own control, strength and power because when we hate someone or we hold a grudge against someone for something that was done to us, we are saying that they still have the power to hurt us again. If we forgive the deed and turn away, then they lose the ability to hurt us again. Forgiveness is an aspect of the human condition, not necessarily a “christian” value.
i can ,as many others say unjust cruelity has come to me by the hands of others, but i have not the energy to hold on to the hate,or the wish for revenge, my heart, soul and mind wish to hold on to better things in this life…i can only hope that they will one day know the sorrow that they caused myself and others…. and go on in peace